>Subject: Microsoft to buy the U.S. Government >
>REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations
made by
>the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that
it will be
>acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for
an
>undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned
growth,"
>said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a
positive
>arrangement for everyone."
>
>Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
White
>House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the
press that
>changes will be "minimal." The United States will be managed as a
wholly owned
>division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for
July of next
>year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4
1999 at
>latest," according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
>
>In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had
"willingly and
>enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with
Microsoft, and
>will continue to manage the United States government, reporting
directly to
>Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of
executive
>authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief."
He went
>on to say that Gates has a "proven track record," and that U.S.
citizens
>should offer Gates their "full support and confidence." Clinton
will
>reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has
earned as
>U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
>
>Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to
Redmond as
>"silly," though did say that he would make executive decisions for
the U.S.
>government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.
Gates went on
>to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished.
"Microsoft
>isn't a democracy," he observed, "and look how well we're doing."
>
>When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
proceeding,
>Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place."
Microsoft
>representatives closed the conference by stating that United States
citizens
>will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services
and
>discounts on all Microsoft products.
>
>About Microsoft
>______________
>
>Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader
in software
>for personal computers, and democratic government. The company
offers a wide
>range of products and services for public, business and personal
use, each
>designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for
people to
>take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free
society every
>day.
>
>About the United States
>_______________________ >
>Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful
nation in
>the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and
opportunity
>for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United
States is a
>wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
>
>
>