Taking advantage of the political asset represented by the President's bodily functions, the White House staff decided to issue weekly medical bulletins. Not only did Wall Street respond positively, but opinion polls showed a strong recovery by the Republican party as a whole. By the time of the mid-term Congressional elections, the medical reports were issued daily, and successful Republican candidates swept to control of both House and Senate thanks to an eve-of-election bulletin on the regulariy of the Presidential bowels.

This was only the beginning. During the next few weeks, the nation's TV screens became a scoreboard registering every detail of the President's physical and mental functions. Soon, the trace of his heartbeat ran below all other programs, accompanying sit-coms, basketball matches and old World War II movies, Uncannily, its quickening beat would sometimes match the audience's own emotional responses, A third of the nation's TV screens were now occupied by printouts of heartbeat, blood pressure and EEG readings.

The threat of a third world war had the ill luck to coincide with a slight downturn in the President's health.

News flash:

" ...the President's physicians have again expressed their concern over Mr. Reagan's calcified arteries and cardiac valves. Hurricane Clara is now expected to bypass Puerto Rico, and the President has invoked the Emergency War Powers Act. After the break we'll have more expert analysis of Mr Reagan's retrograde amnesia ..."

Amid the chaos to which the former Soviet republics of Central Asia had been reduced following the fall of the Evil Empire, someone presses the button. A nuclear warhead inherited from the Kremlin speeds toward US territory. The Americans reciprocate.

"...the President's physicians report dilated pupils and convulsive tremor, but neurochemical support systems are functioning adequately. The President's brain metabolism reveals increased glucose production. F-16s of the 6th Fleet have shot down seven MiG29s over the Bering Strait. Scattered snow-showers are forecast overnight..."

The bombs fall on unpopulated areas of Alaska and Eastern Siberia. Peace is quickly restored. The third world war has come and gone and nobody noticed.

Reagan gets over his cold. In tribute to his recuperative powers, the linear traces of his vital functions will continue indefinitely to notch their way across the TV screen. The identification of the President and the screen is complete.

At his next public appearance, before the assembled vetarans of the American Legion, a shot rings out. On the TV screen, the President's blood pressure line collapses. The pulse flattens into an unbroken horizontal line.

Ten minutes later, vital signs read normal.